LOSING A CHILD WE NEVER GOT TO MEET...

I've wrestled with what words to say for weeks & weeks.  I've questioned saying anything at all.  The pain of this loss is still so fresh and I still find myself breaking down in a puddle of tears practically on a daily basis. This issue is too common, though, and not talked about enough.  So, here's our story...

Panic. Excitement. Disbelief. Fear. Joy.  
All the things you feel when you're only 7 months into marriage and are pretty sure you're pregnant.  That was me this past April.  I was about 4 weeks late and was having just about every pregnancy symptom in the book.  I was so certain.  I could practically feel life growing inside of me.  Despite all the unfun parts of early pregnancy, it was one of the best feelings in the world.  I still had yet to have a positive pregnancy test, though... so we waited.  

Then May 22nd came.  One of the most physically painful & emotionally painful days of my entire life.  I remember pulling my car over and contemplating going to the ER as I drove into work.  I thought maybe my cycle had just been ridiculously late, but this felt different.  I'll spare you all the details, but by the end of the day, I knew.  I'd never experienced anything like this before and I knew.  My brain kept saying it wasn't true, but in my heart I knew I lost a child that day.  That evening as I was sitting in bed with tears pouring down my cheeks, I told Sam what I thought had happened.  Sam, being the comforting husband he is, tried to tell me that we didn't know if that had happened and we needed to just wait until we were certain.  Sam was trying to be strong and be as optimistic as possible, so I followed his lead.  I kept telling myself he was right.... We didn't really know for certain that this had happened.  But once again, in my heart, I knew.  I knew I had lost a child that day. 

Fast forward to about 3 or 4 weeks later.  I was still questioning if we were pregnant or not... if we'd had a miscarriage or not... or if nothing had happened at all.  I was in Jefferson City for a work conference and had to grab a couple things from Target.  I walked past the health & wellness section and decided to grab a box of pregnancy tests.  Being the incredibly smart person I am, I took a pregnancy test alone in my hotel room two hours away from my husband.  

"YES +" appeared on the little dark screen. 

I literally didn't know what to do.  I was just sitting at my hotel for the rest of the evening and wouldn't see Sam until the next day.  "What do I do?!" "OH MY GOSH!" My heart jumped with joy.  We were actually pregnant!  I raced down to the parking lot, got back in my car, and drove back to Target.  "It's almost Fathers Day... surely they'll have something I can get Sam."  I paced down the baby aisles... the Fathers Day section... the random gift sections... 

I found a "Dad-to-be" Fathers Day card and a cute baby shirt then headed back to the hotel.  Then, of course, Sam called as soon as I got back.  Do I answer?  What if I accidentally tell him?  I'll just ignore his call.  That's stupid.  I want to talk with him...
I answer.  I have to admit, I kept my cool most of the conversation.  UNTIL... we're getting ready to hang up and he tells me he has a surprise for me... without even using a bit of my brain, I blurt out, "Oh. I have a surprise for you too, babe."

WHAT?! Why would I tell him that??? He can't handle knowing he has a surprise.  

Before the end of the night, I had told him.  I wanted him to just drive up to Jeff City right then.  The next day of my conference was excruciating.  I wanted to tell everyone I saw.  FINALLY I got to see Sam... along with his dad... his brother... his brother's wife... and their kids.  We were all going to watch the kids T-Ball game.  It wasn't until late that night that we finally had some alone time. 

The next week was the fun part... telling our families... our closest friends... dreaming about the life of our first child.  It was truly one of the happiest seasons.

And then the next week, I started to worry.  My pregnancy symptoms were slowly disappearing.  We had our first doctor's appointment, which was just to ask questions and plan for the next appointment where we would run lots of tests. 

We finally met with our OBGYN on a Friday afternoon.  They ran a bunch of blood tests and said they wouldn't have more info for a few hours.  I checked my online health portal from home that night and was able to see some of the test results.  My levels were way too low to still be pregnant.  Sam kept hoping, though.  It wasn't until the next day, as we were sitting in a parking lot trying to decide where to eat, that my phone rang...

"Hi Katherine, this is Dr. ----, do you have a few minutes to talk?"

Once again, I knew.  As she spoke and explained what had happened, tears poured down my face.  Sam and I had lost our child.  I had in fact had a miscarriage on May 22nd, but still had leftover HCG hormone in my body when I took the pregnancy test in June.  We weren't pregnant anymore, though.  Our child was with Jesus. 

Even though I'd known for over a month, it didn't make it any easier.  The actual reality & heartache finally hit me like a ton of bricks.  It literally made me feel sick to my stomach to think about it.  I cried constantly.  I shut down.  I wasn't myself.  I felt so empty. I felt shame. What had I done to cause this?  

The following weeks didn't get any easier.  Even now, three months later... it's not easier.  It still hurts to think about it.  I still break down crying almost every day.  I still think about our precious child who we never got to meet.  

But then I turn my eyes and my heart towards Jesus.  I picture our precious child in His arms.  I imagine the day when I am no longer on this earth and I get to meet my precious child face to face.  There's beauty among the ashes.  There's hope amidst despair.  I know without a shadow of a doubt, I'll meet our first child one day.  My heart aches for the women and families who experience this and don't know Jesus.  I don't think my heart could bear it.  

We've received so much comfort from our family and dear friends.  I've been so comforted by Sam.  Most importantly, we've had so much comfort from our Savior and knowing we will meet our child one day. 

I pray for the families who have experienced this and for the families that will.  It's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. If you're going through this, turn to Jesus. Find friends and family who can be there for you.  If you have no one, please reach out to me.  I share this for people who need to know they aren't alone.  I am not sharing our story for your pity or even your sympathy.  I'm sharing because it's one of the loneliest places in the world to lose your unborn child... and it feels impossible to talk about with other people.  

I also ask that you continue to pray for our family.  We're continuing to just take it day-by-day and continually lean on the Lord.  We're still walking this journey.  I'm sure I'll have more to write about this in the future, but for now, I just wanted to share our story.... which I'm sure is just the beginning of a much bigger story. 

Sincerely, 

Kate AuBuchon

Also...  There was one evening Sam and I were driving home and he told me this song is the song he listens to when he thinks of our sweet baby in Heaven.  I think I've listened to a thousand times since that day & wanted to share it with you.