As we long for our babies...
I rest assured knowing our babies are in the arms of Jesus… but in all honesty, I still want them in my arms. Walking through such deep grief the past two years has been devastating, but also sanctifying. I’ve felt so alone at times, while simultaneously being so loved on & supported by so many.
(Please note— this post includes stories of pregnancy loss. If you’re not in a place to read about that, I understand and encourage you to come back to this when you’re ready.)
I have to be honest, this has been a hard thing to write. I began writing this in April of 2023— just a few months after our most recent miscarriage. I found myself needing a break throughout the process of writing this. Part was written in April, another part throughout June & July, and now here I am finally picking it back up and finishing it in December.
I’ve never shied away from sharing our journey of loss. Our first loss in 2017 was such an unexpected journey of grief, especially since our pregnancy was such a surprise. We’d been married for less than a year. After several months of processing that loss, we started openly sharing about our experience. I felt so alone in that season and I knew other women did too. If you don’t know our story, that experience led us to a place of conviction and we stopped preventing pregnancy and open handedly gave that part of our life to the Lord. I really thought we’d conceive again pretty quickly, but we didn’t. My open-handedness faded. I started tracking and testing and doing everything I could to control us getting pregnant again. It was almost a year after our first loss that I felt so defeated and realized I needed to hand it back to the Lord. We were visiting friends in Texas over my birthday weekend and my cycle began again. I cried and prayed so deeply that this would be our time and knew that if I truly trusted Jesus with my life, that I had to trust Him with the lives of our children. About five weeks later we found out I was carrying our sweet Zoïe Ruth.
After two healthy pregnancies and two healthy babies. I never thought I’d walk the road of loss again. I had several friends walking the road of loss and I felt so called to love on & support those women. I reached out to women often. I had (and still have) an 8pm alarm on my phone with the names of women who are walking through the grief of losing babies. I never thought I’d be back in that place, though.
In November of 2021, with an almost three year old Zoïe and 10 month old Duke, I found out I was pregnant. I was in complete disbelief. Sam was at a basketball game with a friend when I found out, so I hid a bun in our oven along with the pregnancy test and surprised him when he got home. It was just a few days later we found out we lost our baby. We hadn’t even told anyone. I buried my grief and made myself busy in the midst of the holiday season. A few months later in early March of 2022, we were pregnant again. On a roadtrip down to Sam’s best friend’s wedding we got the news that my levels had dropped and we had lost our baby. This time we had friends and family that knew. We shared our news, finished our roadtrip, and did our best to celebrate our dear friends and their marriage. Two and a half months later, we found ourselves pregnant again (we had started trying at this point) and once again, quickly lost our child. I switched care providers to try to figure out what was happening, but still walked through another loss at the beginning of September. We came up with a new plan with our new care team and were quickly pregnant again in October. We were so much more confident this time around. Our other losses all happened before or around six weeks. Each week we made it beyond that threshold felt like such a milestone. My bump was growing. My morning sickness and exhaustion had come full force. We shared with so many dear friends and family and couldn’t wait for our Summer babe to join our family. Having made it to the end of the first trimester after four consecutive early losses, we felt so much safer this time. I felt safe starting a registry with the few things we’d need for a third baby. I felt safe dreaming about having three children on this side of Heaven. At the very end of the first trimester I started feeling off one day. It was just five days later, on December 7th, I started experiencing what looked like a miscarriage. We had so many people praying alongside us the day before our miscarriage was confirmed. I knew we’d likely lost another child, but I begged God for a different outcome. On Thursday, December 8th, our care team confirmed our baby had passed away. This loss was so different than anything I’d ever experienced. I was almost in my second trimester, so physically, this was unlike any of my other losses. After about a week of extreme physical pain, and the deepest grief I’ve ever known, I delivered our baby alone in our bathroom on Wednesday, December 14th and held their tiny body in my hands. I can’t even begin to explain how traumatic that experience was and it has taken me months and months to process everything.
The months that followed brought the deepest grief I’ve ever walked through to the point that I felt numb. Writing those words feels so hard because it took a long time for me to admit to myself and to Sam what I was dealing with. In that last pregnancy, once we had made it to about 9 weeks and I felt like we were “safe”, I’d added all of our pregnancy milestones to my calendar up to my due date. After our loss, even thought it broke me to see how far along we’d be every week, I couldn’t bring myself to delete them all. I didn’t see them every week, but they’d catch me surprise every so often and I’d find myself thrust back into that grief. The closer we got to July 1st, the more and more aware I became of my deep sadness. I knew reaching our due date would feel so hard. I knew I’d feel like our family was missing someone. That difficult Saturday has now come & gone. I shed a lot of tears that day, but the Lord has been so gracious. I’ve had a renewed sense of joy and peace these past few months. The kind that can only come from Him. That doesn’t mean my grief is magically gone. Knowing we now have six children waiting for us on the other side of eternity is beyond painful, but I also have a peace that surpasses understanding. I know the one who is holding my babies for me. So while I would love to be the one holding them today, I’m so grateful for the gift of salvation and knowing that one day I’ll meet my children.
I can’t share this story without also sharing what the Lord has done for me throughout the past four months. I’ve experienced greater personal spiritual revival than I’ve ever known. My faith has never been stronger, which I give myself no credit for. The Lord brought me back from the darkest & deepest place I’ve ever been in. I explained it like this to my husband and my best friend… Imagine you’re in a boat and Jesus is on the shore. In my deep grief, I never took my eyes off of Him, but the waves of grief kept pulling me further from the shore— further from Jesus. My eyes remained on Him, but I felt frozen & numb, as if I couldn’t row my way back to the shore— back to Him. He could pull me back, though. All it took was my surrender. Even though I felt so far from Him at the time, I let go of the idea that I had to row myself back to the shore and back to Him. In the Father’s lovingkindness, it was as if He pushed me back to the shore and back to my Savior. My grief is certainly not gone, but I also don’t know that I’ve ever been as close to Jesus as I am now. God does not allow our pain to go to waste. That doesn’t mean he ordained that tragedy & pain to come into our lives, but God sees us in our grief & in our pain and so often brings beauty out of those ashes.
There’s a song my husband shared with me years ago when we walked through the loss of our first child. It’s called “Heaven Song” by Phil Wickham and it’s about our longing for Heaven. It’s been an anthem for me through every season of loss. Even if you’ve never walked through the deep grief of loss, this song is for every believer. It’s a beautiful picture of the peace we’ll finally have when we walk through the gates of eternity and I’d highly encourage a listen if you’ve never heard it. It’s linked below in playlist if you’d like to listen.
I share all of this not to ask for pity or wallow in my grief. I share our journey again because it’s one of the loneliest journeys and there’s sadly a whole sisterhood of women who have also walked this road. I’ve said it before… it’s the worst sisterhood to be a part of, but when you’re in it, you’re so thankful to not be the only one and that there are others there with you.
My best friend sent me this a couple days before our due date:
“I can’t even begin to fathom the things you are feeling this week. I know it is so so hard. I am sorry this is a part of your story. It feels so unfair. It is unfair.
But God…
Who is rich in mercy (Eph. 2:4)
Who is with you (Gen. 48:21)
Who gives you rest (1 Kings 5:4)
Who is your strength and portion (Psalm 73:26)
Who loves you (Romans 5:8)
… has never abandoned you.”
I won’t share her whole message, but I wanted to share that portion. To the mom who is grieving, those truths about God are true for you too. I very unintentionally wrote a song throughout this season of grief that I’ll likely never share, but one of the lines I wrote was “one thing that I’ve learned is pain magnifies what’s good” and I truly believe that. In the midst of this season, Christ has been so magnified in my life.
Once again, I wrote this over the course of many months, so I know it’s a lot and maybe not my best writing, but I felt so urged to get these words out. I hope and pray this helps someone. If that’s you, please know I am always available to talk and pray. I’ve walked alongside so many women in this season and have received the blessing of sharing in this grief.
If you read this whole thing, thank you for reading our story and grieving our children with us.
If you’re longing for your children, you’re not alone.
I’ve shared a playlist below titled “Glory”. It’s a collection of songs that I’ve held close to my heart while walking through deep grief and also magnificent spiritual revival. No matter the season we’re in, we can still glorify our Heavenly Father.
I hope this has encouraged you.
Sincerely,
Kate
